Conflict is that zone of unresolved tension as we grapple with divergence from the familiar - resembling a clash, a variance, an inconsistency, a contradiction or a dispute. It puts us into battle mode, to fight in our struggle to restore order in our world. We may experience conflict within ourselves, with another person, within a team or community, with a situation or with our beliefs and values, or even our existence.

Many of us find conflict onerous and stressful. We tend to shy away from conflict situations. We may feel inept in dealing with conflict. Phrases like ‘conflict resolution’ and ‘managing conflict’ abound. Conflict is perceived as an ailment, an inconvenience, and an obstacle. The sooner we get rid of it, the better off we will be. It conjures up the thought of confrontation which in turn spontaneously stirs up an array of negative emotions inside us. Like Alice in Wonderland, we find ourselves sliding uncontrollably downwards on a slippery spiral slope of ever worsening scenes. We avoid conflict as much as possible.

Instinctively, in a state of conflict, we go into our bank of past experiences of situations, issues and people either personally or vicariously through discourse with our confidantes. A Google search can yield various options on how best to deal with conflict or avoid conflict in chat rooms, consultants’ websites, wikipedia, counseling and coaching forums – invariably giving advice, tips, tools, techniques, strategies or services. Those who have experienced conflict will attest to the feeling that our case is unique, different and exempt from what others have learned from their experiences.

Try on another perspective. Look at conflict being a growth spur. Conflict highlights incongruence and compels us to scrutinise our position and to reflect on what truly matters. To move forward, we take into consideration our present circumstances and future expectations, and strategise our next moves. Like a fever, conflict signals that we need to change the way we make choices about how we live. Our perception of the situation and of our available choices of response determines our behaviour and the outcome. William James, the American philosopher and psychologist, observed that when we are “in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.” The good news is that we get to choose our own attitude.

Perception is not reality. How we view a conflict situation reflects our values, biases, experiences, influences, fears and preferences to a large extent. We each have our own world view. Not everyone thinks like I do. Hence when I presume I know the intention of another person from his actions, I am using my own Value Ruler. Depending on the power hierarchy and the relationship, or our internal value hierarchy in the case of internal turmoil, our perception of the availability of choices of response may seem limited – the ‘I have no choice’ syndrome. Where do we go when we feel that our hands are tied and our choices are limited?

I personally believe nothing is impossible. Just because something is not done or has not been done does not negate the possibility of instances where it has been done or there are different ways to getting things done. How else did the mobile phone and internet come into being? The oft-quoted ‘… give me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference’ is a succinct reminder of the power within us to determine outcomes.

Identify the variable and constants. Choose to vary the variables or to be bold and change the constants. Changing only the variables suffices most times. Sometimes, facing up to the enormity of changing the constants and navigating that change delivers a more satisfying outcome. Consider the situation to be a card game. We are dealt a hand of cards. We sort our cards. Then we figure out the cards critical to a win. We choose how to play our hand (variable). The game rules (constants) direct how the game may be played. What if we changed the rules of the game? What is within our control and what is not? What is the objective of the game? Is it winning or having a good time? Being aware of whether we are going for a ‘winner takes it all’ or win-win outcome makes a difference.

Conflict sometimes creeps up on us and escalates to an untenable level before we take notice. Try this: when you first become aware of conflict, do the counterintuitive - take time to embrace the situation and all its potential worst-case scenarios. It is futile to pretend it does not matter, does not exist or does not affect us. The brain does not remember ‘no’ and ‘not’. “Do not think of a blue whale” effectively etches a clear picture of a blue whale on our mind’s canvas. To ‘not-think’ is to think. Hence, accepting the reality of the situation and calling the bluff of our over-active self-preserving imagination helps us to acknowledge what is and then untangle reality from unfounded negative thoughts. This is where a good coach and objective sounding board may be advantageous to sorting through personal conflict.

Professor George Kohlreiser (author, Hostage at the Table) advocates focusing our mind’s eye on the positive outcome that we desire and learning great dialogue skills to put the ‘fish on the table’. We need to be clear about what we want and be open to engaging in tough open discussions to resolve conflict issues that involve others. Learning effective communications skills and being comfortable in negotiating for what matters to us is important. This does not come naturally to all. Being aware of who we are and what we stand for without any skills to articulate and present ourselves securely and confidently deprives us from being the best of who we can be. Take time to learn.

In 1972, Thomas and Kilman identified five conflict styles or ways that an individual handles conflict in business or personal relationships. It was posited that understanding the conflict styles of others may help in developing strategies for handling disputes. The first is the competing style which is aggressive and assertive, with little concern for others' opinions – useful when decisiveness is necessary. The avoiding style delays the conflict, tending to leave situations and conflicts unresolved. The compromising style, cooperative and assertive at the same time, seeks to find common ground and solutions that satisfy everyone. The collaborating style, also cooperative and assertive at the same time, actively seeks to find a win-win resolution. The accommodating style puts aside her personal needs and concerns in favour of others. Which style do you use most often and does it get you what you want?

Jan 1, 2011 marks more than a new year, it is the beginning of a new decade. It promises a fresh start. Refresh your thinking on difficult situations. Conflict is an indication that change is taking place at a pace or level different to what we prefer and are familiar with. We can choose our response: be overwhelmed, be indifferent, run away, fight to win at all cost, or grow in stature and in wisdom, gaining from re-integration of what-was and what-is into what-might-be. Have an inspiring year leading to a decade of visionary collaboration and widespread peace.