In the workplace, it's necessary for us to keep this idea paramount, that we need to focus on bringing out the best in people, if we are to succeed. This is not easily achieved and may also not remain a major concern when battling with the other corporate initiatives we employ. But it remains a pre-requisite in our roles as managers and leaders.

In her book, Confidence : How Winning Streaks and Losing Streaks Begin and End (2004), Rosabeth Moss Kanter, professor at Harvard Business School argued that self-confidence is not the real secret of leadership. The more essential ingredient is confidence in other people.

We recently engaged in a phone conversation with Dr Joel H Muro, Assistant Professor and Counselling Coordinator, Counseling and Development at the Department of Family Sciences, College of Professional Education at the Texas Woman's University. Dr Muro makes the argument that one of the ways we have control over the way we work with people lies in the way in which we relate to them. His argument is backed by research across social, psychological, biological and physical sciences that shows that our ability to relate to others is impacted (developed, damaged or repaired) the most in the context of relational experiences. He expands on his arguments below.

HRM : Our ability to relate to others -- does this refer to how we talk to them or how we respond to their issues? Is this a communication issue or does it spill over into cultural and contextual elements as well?

Dr Muro : I’d have to say a little of both. I’d advise being careful when it comes to responding to their issues – you may misdiagnose someone. Mostly, I think it is incumbent on us to be aware of how we are responding to people in the moment – what is going on for us? What is it that we are experiencing? I try to remember that every person has their own frame of reference from which they are operating. When I do the right thing and slow down, I am far more able to hear another person and see where they may be coming from – it doesn’t mean that they do it for us, but it does mean that the anxiety level in the conversation may decrease.

It is imperative that we pay attention to cultural issues – while remembering that it is cultural in terms of where we are from, but that each person comes from a familial culture as well. The filial styles of parents have as much to do with how we communicate as anything...our family dynamics – where we grew up – really weigh heavily in terms of how we communicate.

I cannot emphasise enough the importance of self-awareness. We need to be aware of our own reactions and how they might be affecting the communicative process. What is it that we need to be doing to make this a better situation? Sometimes, we have to be the “bigger” person to keep the peace. I am not advocating backing down – just trying to understand why people react the way they do.

HRM : According to relational models, those with whom we experience interpersonal conflict trigger our greatest opportunities for growth in blocked areas. Can you explain what relational models are about? Can you expand on opportunities for growth here?

Dr Muro : Relational models deal with the way that people communicate. When I react strongly to someone – and I do, even though I teach this stuff – I often ask myself – what am I doing to hinder this relationship? And who does this person I am in conflict with, remind me of in my past that I had trouble getting along with? A family member? A teacher? If I address the hurt and pain that was associated with that, I can often make better choices regarding how I respond. If I start responding in ways that make the relationship better, I have “grown” and moved forward to getting along better at work.

HRM : If this is the case, within the context of the work environment, do you look to the colleague or manager with whom you have regular or strong points of conflict as an opportunity for growth?

Dr Muro : Absolutely. My best growth potentials have transpired with people that I have NOT gotten along with at work. I have found that when I look at why the relationship is not working – there is a part of it that belongs to me. I then adjust because my ultimate goal is to get the workplace to be focusing on the common goal and not my interpersonal problems. I am not a doormat - I stand up for myself – but I also try to remember that the person I am arguing with has his/her point of view they believe to be right, too.

HRM : This is easier said than done. How do you as an HR manager, begin to convince employees as a whole, to look at this approach when faced with difficulty, instead of resorting to reactionary behaviour?

Dr Muro : Training, really, helps. I also have to be that bigger person I mentioned earlier. I offer books, and certainly get people to attend seminars that address these issues. Getting people out of their own world – or their own egos, as it were – and moving them on to seeing that the world means different things to different people – is highly effective in making the workplace a better place to be.

HRM : Is there a typical pattern to how conflict occurs? If so, could you explain.

Dr Muro : I wouldn’t say that there is a formula to it, but it usually is when emotions are triggered. When people allow the heart to rule the mind, trouble looms. We have to slow down and really think about what is transpiring. I believe understanding feelings is important, but so is managing them and not allowing them to rule what we do.

HRM : What do you believe is at the core of conflict? Is it a tug of war, a power struggle? Is it about the issue discussed most times?

Dr Muro : Power struggles certainly play into situations – no one likes to be told what to do, even by a supervisor. It can be about the way people view the world, it can be about a specific issue – it can be about personality conflict. Each thing changes each time. There is no one thing, usually – I believe conflict is situation specific.

HRM : It's been argued that there's no objective reality, that such a reality is a distortion and that when we process information, we put a subjective spin on it that affects its objectivity. What do you think?

Dr Muro : We are a sum total of our experiences. We operate out of our own world, our own reality. Because of that, our own “stuff” gets in the way of the message – it may be what is being said, it may be how it is being said, or it may be who is saying it. Learning to see what triggers us and our inability to talk is usually the best way of making sure we are calm and able to hear what is being said.

HRM : From our conversation, I sense that one of your more important messages is that bringing out the best in people is really about bringing out the best in ourselves. That the reality is that we cannot change other people but only change ourselves and in doing so, we have an impact on the system and on other people. Is this an argument you make or an idea you've come across which you support? Separately, these are points made before, for sure, but together it’s a compelling argument.

Dr Muro : I fully believe this to be true. The only way we can truly understand one another is by understanding ourselves – and making ourselves get better (whatever that might mean). I fully advocate understanding ourselves and trying to change ourselves for the better. Conflict is a two way street – we are as much a part of it as the other person. So, I think we need to look at ourselves and see how we can make it better. I am perpetually trying to do this. I believe that if people within the system see that we are endeavouring to get better and are trying to make changes, they will do the same. (At least, we hope they will.) I know when I took this approach, my work environment changed dramatically.

HRM : A point you make is that not everyone likes to be told what to do and yet we need to challenge those we work with to think and to stretch & grow, to follow our lead, to meet deadlines and deliverables. I am unclear on your point here -- Are you saying it’s better not to tell people what to do? Do you have alternatives in mind to achieving success if we were to avoid telling people what to do, some of the time?

Dr Muro : I am saying that there are ways to make things better with the way you tell people what to do – look at their strengths and the areas you notice seem to be disconcerting to them. Let’s face it; there are times that you have to tell people what to do. It’s a matter of playing to their strengths and doing things that play to those strengths. Just think how you might want to be talked to. That can be very helpful…so simple, yet so true.


Dr. Joel H Muro is a licensed professional counselor who has presented about connecting with people worldwide. He advises primary schools about student behaviour, runs a small private practice in mental health, and is the author of over 15 scholarly articles. He was recently named the outstanding junior faculty member of the Texas Woman’s University system. He is married and the father of a two year old daughter – his favourite career in life.